Your a god and I am not...

Well I found LimeWire... Very happy chicken clucking here in my room and I found an old time favourite of mine...

I cant remember who it applied to and cant remember why I was so obsessed about this song or him when I was younger but when I heard it , it made the feeling of hurt, disappointment and self worthlessness strike back like a sharp pin into that little place under my left rib that I call my heart.

I remember feeling so insecure and lost when he walked into a room and everything around me slowed down to an abnormal pace, my heart used to literally skip a beat.

I remember the feeling when I stood in front of the mirror all made up knowing in my head I was going to tell him how I felt. The bravery and almost contentness that I felt thinking that the feeling was the same for me and I was about to fall deeply in love and be happy with this man for all eternity.

I cant remember what the lips of this person looked like when he starting talking or his eyes that looked at me like I was reciting a hilarious joke when they told me the feeling wasnt mutual while his mates laughed in the background that I was being shot down on the try line but I remember filling up with the colour red with embarressment and looking around hoping a massive tsunami would break and wash me away. The tsunami came in another form that night when tears drenched my pillows and I realised that "he was a god and I wasnt".

I am pretty sure knowing my habits that this song would have been my theme tune like something out of Bridget Jones Diaries while I told my parents I hated them, gorged on melted cheese and drank coffee and smoked cigarettes by the box and contemplated how my life would carry on ticking over now that my future was no longer with this man that was "destined" to be my soul mate.

But as with life things get better and people get stronger, change and pick up the pieces. I cant remember his name, cant remember why I adored him, even now , I have written this blog about him and he hasnt been the star of it. My emotions have . He never deserved my attention
He never deserved my affection, he never deserved my adulation. I am so glad that he never stroked my hair, kissed my lips or stared into my eyes with love.

I've got to be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's OK

There's somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say
Never again no
No never again [Chorus]'

Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thoughtI'd let you go

But I've been unable
To put you down
I'm still learning things
I ought to know by now
It's under the table soI need something more to show somehow

Never again no
No never again [Chorus]

I've got to be honestI think you know
We're covered in lies and that's OK
There's somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say

Never again no
No never again [Chorus]

I CAN NOT OFFER MORE THEN I ALREADY GIVE

I hope you read this and understand this - not as a mean nasty blog shitting all over you but more as a warning, a warning that if you keep pushing, testing, requesting more juice from this already squeezed dry orange... I will leave.

I dont owe any one anything. I dont need to give anymore to anyone than I already give, I give what I feel comfortable giving, I will only give what my mind, heart and soul want to and feel comfortable giving.

I know know now after your letter that I have expected too much from you and I have taken advantage of you. Now that I have realised this, I am resigning myself from you, no more I love yous, no more tucking me into bed, no more personal humour as I am leading you on.

I am letting you believe something that may not happen.

I can not give anything more... my love is bound by a piece of gold that I have temporary removed from my fourth finger til things are back on track. Yes, its falling apart, but its my right to keep my love with the man I made a vow with despite hardships and pain. I can chose to forgive, to heal, to mend and to be in the arms of the man that I have spent time trying to forget. I stood in front of god, my family and friends when I took those vows and I can chose who I chose to love.

My loyalties lie with unconditional friends of many many years who have put time, selfless effort in understanding me and many many moons forgiving me for my mistakes , loving me despite me not loving myself and saving me from myself - the person who hurts me the most.... I am sorry that you dont fit in to this category but it would be a direct insult to my friends if I let you in such a small amount of time.


and the rest of me lies with people that I have no love, consideration or time for ... the people that I tread on, walk all over, pin down and use. (You know who those people are) ... I use them as a stepping stone, to get my kicks from and as a tool to increase my power... to push me to the limit when I feel dead and numb inside. You do not fall into this category.

I am sorry but I have not found a category for you yet and I feel that you being in Limbo is hurting you so I choose to resign me friendship cause I believe you deserve better. I resign from feeling guilty, I resign from trying to figure out what goes on in your head. I am sorry that I can not be who you want me to be and I am sorry that I have made you feel the way you do.

I have removed my other blog as I feel chastised and analysed. I feel pentitant that I have done this too you and that I have left you feeling lost in any way but I cant offer more than I do. On so so so so many levels you have misinterpretted me.

I left my previous situation so I didnt have to deal with a constant pressure but I am sorry you know are clouding my vision cause I have to anatomize every action, phrase that comes from my lips. I am weak and dont handle pressure very well.

The only solution I can see. is this one... I am sorry that I have failed you but my priority is healing and I cant offer you what you have already given me.

I have taken with out giving as much and thats unfair to you.

I will leave this on here for 48 hrs so you have time to read this and understand.

Again, the last thing and most important thing that you need to understand is that i am NOT angry... I dont want things to be awkward but there is a definite rift now and things will have changed. I am sorry but I cant offer any more than I already give.

Sandak - in the right direction!

Haha... well I had a brilliant weekend. There is nothing like spending time with your own kind... Being at one with people from home... Singing Agh Please Daddy... Eating biltong and drinking beer ( oh and champagne from the "Sloane Ranger" - see definition if you are a little unsure" )

Definition: The term Sloane Ranger (often pluralised to just Sloanes or Sloanies) originally referred to the lifestyle of young upper- and upper-middle-class men and women living in West London. The term is a word play combining "Sloane Square", the fashionable and wealthy area of London most associated in the public imagination with Sloanes, and the TV character "The Lone Ranger". The term "Sloane Ranger" was attached in the public imagination most particularly to women, the archetypal Sloane being Lady Diana Spencer, however the term is now also applied to men. Male Sloanes have also been referred to as "Hooray Henries" (though strictly speaking this term applies only to a louder, more-noticeable subset of Sloane Ranger males).

I definitely think it is a Safffa/Zimbo thing that combine a few of us in a pub, stick a few beers down us and a good rugby match and theres the perfect concoction for an absolute bender and the oppurtunity to make life long friends. (well I hope any way...)

Unfortunate that the Bulls after so awfully having to share their Currie Cup with the horrible excuse of a rugby team called the Cheetahs - ooh I hear half of South Africa shouting at me... lol...

Guys, thanks for a great evening x It was brilliant getting to know all of you...

I cant believe I broke a heel and my housemates had to meet me at the station. Oh well.. Alls fair in love and war!

I wish for a Healthy Relationship

I wish for a normal healthy relationship where I get a kiss goodbye on the way to work rather then my hair pulled and my wrist bruising when I board the train.

I wish for the evenings to be calm and quiet rather than screaming, swearing and crying,

I hate tip-toeing around the upstairs so I dont wake or irratate him in case I am sworn at.

I walk around with a horrible feeling in my stomach, some one is watching me, terrified he will arrive at my office and cause a scene, terrified he will misinterpret a smile between me and a friend.

I crave for some thing else. Something meaningful and loving, to be embraced by someone who doesnt bully me into doing things.

It never used to be like this. I always used to have the control , the freedom but as time has gone by , its got harder and I have got more and more scared and now I feel powerless and weak. I hate this feeling.

Yahoo Answers peeps were very kind to assist me in a little project... I read a blog today about GRATITUDE WEDNESDAY... I think its an amazing concept! Absolutely amazing... so relying on ol' faithful Yahoo answers.. here were some of the results that came through ..

• My wife and family.
• Things that I am grateful for... My childrenMy husbandMy familySupportive friendsOur troopsFreedomHugs from a Loving Mom to a Brilliant, as well as beautiful 8 year old Jared and Our Angel, Zachary (taken to soon but who will always remain in our heart) ~ Mel
• Im thankful for my health and my familys health.
• Here are some of my favorite things:Gummy BearsMeatballsJessica SimsponSmiles
• Being aliveEatingWe live in a Democracy
• for being alive,seeing,hearing,your arms your legs,your feet ,your mom grandparents friends,relatives,a roof over your head food in your mouth clothes on your back a job,having a sane mind,anything that you have we should be thankful
• My wife, my family/friends, my beautiful nieces and nephew, my job, my musical career, having a home, art/music/comic books,Gibson guitars, that my health isn't too terrible, vintage records, good food, fast food, JR "Bob" Dobbs, Natalie Portman, television, rock and roll.
• Living Loving Laughing the sun the moon the birds everything even the trials that are thrown our way as we go threw life because those help us grow as a person be thankful for every day you have your not gauranteed anouther one
• its different for everybody, put some thought into it .... start with life and those dear to you, things that are irreplacable
• We'll for me it would be a roof over my head, a beautiful and smart daughter, motivation to stay in school, a good job, a working car, my good health, food to eat, helpful and considerate friends, a family that respects my opinions, and my ability to love others.
• having a husband and my son and a roof oover our heads, and a loving parents sister brother and my grandma and engouh money to live on.
• i think that each day is a gift to share with others! nature... is one that we need to take better care of... friends and family. Music, the arts of expression, freedoms to yourself. laughter, tears, emotions that make us human.
• everything...smell, touch,sight,sound,taste,grass,... kids,family,love,work, troops(god bless), america, worship(if your into that), trust,understanding, peace(if you have it),school, medicine(if you need it), boyfriends or girlfriends, food,freedom(to do what you want), laughter...just be grateful for being alive
• For my lifeFor having the greatest parents, husband, children, in-laws and friends.For being able to have the greatest opportunity of meeting all the people that I have met so far and come to know.For my home, my car, and my job.For the type of people that I get to work with day in and out.For the great friends my children have made and that they watch over them when I'm not around.For the teachers that mold and mend my child's mind.For the church that spiritually guide and heal us.For the sun, moon and rain.For my pets that bring great joy to our lives.For the plants that we plant for growing under our care.For the postal person for getting our mail to us and delivering it for us.For TV, music and DVD/VHS.For the computer that brings me endless nightsFor Yahoo Answers and the people that come here for my education in things I never even contemplated beforeFor the clothes I wearFor the food I eatFor the bed I'm about to go to sleep in.
• Alive (to be)BreathChild (for myDadExperiencesForgivenessGodHomeIntegrityJobKnowledgeLoveMarriageNeverending (love that God has for me)Open (that I am open minded)PeacefulnessQuirks (i love my silly little quirks)RedemptionSaviourToleranceUnderstandingVoiceWisdomX's (glad they are ex's)Youthfulness

Anyone else got any to add?

Well done Whittas!

"The shit has officially hit the fan. It's official. Our favorite crack comeback queenWhitney Houston is divorcing Bobby Brown. They were married for 12 years but Whitney apparently has had enough. Yesterday sources were reporting left and right that Whit filed for legal separation and is in the process of filing for divorce. I knew it was coming-but damn. It's the same feeling as when you knew damn well Hov and Nas would eventually grow up and mend their beef, but when they actually did it you were surprised as all hell. "


I personally am thrilled, coming from a girl who had her first kiss to a Whitney Houston song Many many moons ago with a guy named Bruce Cronje.. should have been Bruce Cring...errr...
I got a lot of love for this woman and am soooo glad she is back to her old self... Hunny, doubt you would read a meaningless little bloggers message like me ... but well done Girl... you can pick up the pieces and let us all enjoy your voice and karma again baby girlx

From this.....





















To this.....















And now finally back to this...

The Sun Diminishes My Hope...

Unlike others - I thoroughly enjoy my commute in the morning - a born people watcher... I love faces, wrinkles, smiles, crazy/normal behaviour, class differences.. it all makes the world interesting...

I enjoy watching the hungover people (normally aged 20 - 35 ) gulp their coffees full of sheer dehydration with pale, clammy, shaking hands....

I enjoy watching the faces woman pull when they are reading their new Danielle Steele book and even sometimes seeing the odd tear shed from their freshly make-upped eyes...

I enjoy seeing tired, workaholics dozing off and sitting up with a fright at every single stop on the way to London...

The odd snore and then the embarressed expression realising that they arent still snuggled up in their 5 bedroom house in Tring covered in a snuggly duvet...

And my personal favourite - the two that have been admiring each other from afar... The small smiles, the coe grins, little waves and knowing looks ... I wait with baited breathe for the day that they talk to each other - hopefully I am there to witness the trials and tribulations... *dum de dum* ... next week on "THE COMMUTE" ... oooo... I feel a new post coming on! lol...

And that brings me to.... THE SUN... now I am the first to pick it up, pay 35p for the biggest load of CRAP ever and read it with shock, smiles and laughter... whizz my way through the crossword obviously made for the Vicky Pollards of the world and Hemelites... (read next post) lol...

But todays front page.. An Aids ridden dodgy Zimbabwean... Arg! MAKES ME SOOO ANGRY... Firstly as a Zimbabwean that the moron clearly, should never have been given a job, never allowed in this country, never slept with any of the woman in this country and should not be allowed to tarnish the names of every other Zimbabwean (black or white) out there... Photos of him holding a Bud, red eyes and a woman slumped all over him. It makes me sick... It makes me angry that woman would have unprotected sex with a man from Africa - especially Zimbabwe - with the highest Aids rate in the world... It makes me angry the Sun tells people... I hope that he rots in hell, I hope that the woman who now have contracted HIV get help but also take the necessary precautions not to spread the disease and to let the previous people who they too have infected are told and take the precautions.. I can go on for hours about Aids and the problem with immigrants (black, white, asian, chinese, heinz, birds eye, and all the other brands,nationalities, religions etc) not being checked on arrival into the UK but I will choose not to in fear of chasing away potential buddies on Blogger...

BTW I am an immigrant ... so I am in no way being racist or nasty - I would be happy to be tested IQ wise, health wise, or any other tests asked of me to stay or visit this country... its not offensive, its not nasty, its protecting the rights and welfare of this country...

So today...amidst the people watching , the smiles, office jokes, I am disturbed, my hopes diminished and saddened by The Sun....

BitterSweet Symphony

* I suggest reading the lyrics and thinking deep about what your life holds for you - the good vs. the bad ... bitterness vs. sweetness .... and whether you are dwelling on the sadness, getting bitter and forgetting all the sweetness...

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'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Your a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes youto the places where all the things meet yeah
No change,I can't change I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mould, I am here in my mould
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mouldNo, no, no, no, no
Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind,

I feel free now


But the airways are cleanand there's nobody singing to me nowNo change,I can't change I can't change,
I can't changeBut I'm here in my mould,
I am here in my mouldAnd I'm a million different people from one day to the nextI can't change my mouldNo, no, no, no, no
I can't change I can't change'
Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money, then you dieI'll take you down the only road I've ever been downYou know the one that takes youto the places where all the things meet yeahYou know
I can't change,
I can't changeI can't change,
I can't change
But I'm here in my mould,
I am here in my mould
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mouldNo, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mouldno, no, no, no, no,
I can't changeI'll take you down the only road I've ever been downI'll take you down the only road
I've ever been down(It justs sex and violence melody and silence)
(Been down)
(Ever been down)That you've ever been downThat you've ever been down