I CAN NOT OFFER MORE THEN I ALREADY GIVE
I hope you read this and understand this - not as a mean nasty blog shitting all over you but more as a warning, a warning that if you keep pushing, testing, requesting more juice from this already squeezed dry orange... I will leave.
I dont owe any one anything. I dont need to give anymore to anyone than I already give, I give what I feel comfortable giving, I will only give what my mind, heart and soul want to and feel comfortable giving.
I know know now after your letter that I have expected too much from you and I have taken advantage of you. Now that I have realised this, I am resigning myself from you, no more I love yous, no more tucking me into bed, no more personal humour as I am leading you on.
I am letting you believe something that may not happen.
I can not give anything more... my love is bound by a piece of gold that I have temporary removed from my fourth finger til things are back on track. Yes, its falling apart, but its my right to keep my love with the man I made a vow with despite hardships and pain. I can chose to forgive, to heal, to mend and to be in the arms of the man that I have spent time trying to forget. I stood in front of god, my family and friends when I took those vows and I can chose who I chose to love.
My loyalties lie with unconditional friends of many many years who have put time, selfless effort in understanding me and many many moons forgiving me for my mistakes , loving me despite me not loving myself and saving me from myself - the person who hurts me the most.... I am sorry that you dont fit in to this category but it would be a direct insult to my friends if I let you in such a small amount of time.
and the rest of me lies with people that I have no love, consideration or time for ... the people that I tread on, walk all over, pin down and use. (You know who those people are) ... I use them as a stepping stone, to get my kicks from and as a tool to increase my power... to push me to the limit when I feel dead and numb inside. You do not fall into this category.
I am sorry but I have not found a category for you yet and I feel that you being in Limbo is hurting you so I choose to resign me friendship cause I believe you deserve better. I resign from feeling guilty, I resign from trying to figure out what goes on in your head. I am sorry that I can not be who you want me to be and I am sorry that I have made you feel the way you do.
I have removed my other blog as I feel chastised and analysed. I feel pentitant that I have done this too you and that I have left you feeling lost in any way but I cant offer more than I do. On so so so so many levels you have misinterpretted me.
I left my previous situation so I didnt have to deal with a constant pressure but I am sorry you know are clouding my vision cause I have to anatomize every action, phrase that comes from my lips. I am weak and dont handle pressure very well.
The only solution I can see. is this one... I am sorry that I have failed you but my priority is healing and I cant offer you what you have already given me.
I have taken with out giving as much and thats unfair to you.
I will leave this on here for 48 hrs so you have time to read this and understand.
Again, the last thing and most important thing that you need to understand is that i am NOT angry... I dont want things to be awkward but there is a definite rift now and things will have changed. I am sorry but I cant offer any more than I already give.
I dont owe any one anything. I dont need to give anymore to anyone than I already give, I give what I feel comfortable giving, I will only give what my mind, heart and soul want to and feel comfortable giving.
I know know now after your letter that I have expected too much from you and I have taken advantage of you. Now that I have realised this, I am resigning myself from you, no more I love yous, no more tucking me into bed, no more personal humour as I am leading you on.
I am letting you believe something that may not happen.
I can not give anything more... my love is bound by a piece of gold that I have temporary removed from my fourth finger til things are back on track. Yes, its falling apart, but its my right to keep my love with the man I made a vow with despite hardships and pain. I can chose to forgive, to heal, to mend and to be in the arms of the man that I have spent time trying to forget. I stood in front of god, my family and friends when I took those vows and I can chose who I chose to love.
My loyalties lie with unconditional friends of many many years who have put time, selfless effort in understanding me and many many moons forgiving me for my mistakes , loving me despite me not loving myself and saving me from myself - the person who hurts me the most.... I am sorry that you dont fit in to this category but it would be a direct insult to my friends if I let you in such a small amount of time.
and the rest of me lies with people that I have no love, consideration or time for ... the people that I tread on, walk all over, pin down and use. (You know who those people are) ... I use them as a stepping stone, to get my kicks from and as a tool to increase my power... to push me to the limit when I feel dead and numb inside. You do not fall into this category.
I am sorry but I have not found a category for you yet and I feel that you being in Limbo is hurting you so I choose to resign me friendship cause I believe you deserve better. I resign from feeling guilty, I resign from trying to figure out what goes on in your head. I am sorry that I can not be who you want me to be and I am sorry that I have made you feel the way you do.
I have removed my other blog as I feel chastised and analysed. I feel pentitant that I have done this too you and that I have left you feeling lost in any way but I cant offer more than I do. On so so so so many levels you have misinterpretted me.
I left my previous situation so I didnt have to deal with a constant pressure but I am sorry you know are clouding my vision cause I have to anatomize every action, phrase that comes from my lips. I am weak and dont handle pressure very well.
The only solution I can see. is this one... I am sorry that I have failed you but my priority is healing and I cant offer you what you have already given me.
I have taken with out giving as much and thats unfair to you.
I will leave this on here for 48 hrs so you have time to read this and understand.
Again, the last thing and most important thing that you need to understand is that i am NOT angry... I dont want things to be awkward but there is a definite rift now and things will have changed. I am sorry but I cant offer any more than I already give.
posted by Bitter Sweet at 11:26 AM
1 Comments:
i wish you were angry at me. that would be much better than how you feel now. i've split us apart. and i dont mean that in the lovey bf gf way. i mean we genuinely had something special and ive gone and fucked it all up by being too damn emo again and analysed something beautiful and turned it into some surgical procedure. Your resistance to talk about it made me think deeper into it. You even said that in time i will understand it. Everyone analyses everything, but when a psychology student does it, all of a sudden someone is trying to headfuck someone else. None of what i have said to you or about you has anything to do with what ive learnt in class. It's my instinct about what i have seen from you. Im not asking you to give more. You have already shown me so much of you and if you want to tell me more then you will. but perhaps not any more. Our house was your escape and i thought i was providing you with what you needed but it seems ive just trapped you into something.
And you've misinterpretted me.The thing that is tearing me up inside is that you took what you wrote. No-one has ever done that for me and said what i wanted to hear about myself. One of the reasons i like helping people so much is that i see my life as being so fucked up and such a waste of time that i might as well help others to be the best they can be because im already drowning in my own pool of self loathing and pain. Being there for you is what i wanted. Nothing else. I know that you and me wouldnt work. im not stupid. You're the gorgeous party girl, who is deeper than anyone gets to see. You're flirty and non-committal and i mate for life. I'm sarcastic and stuck-up. You're down to earth and easygoing (no matter what you say). You're sweet and airy fairy. I'm an everchanging mix of elation and emotional turmoil. I'm dark and cynical. You're bright and positive. I could name a thousand things that we don't have in common, but thats not what we have.. had. We get along. Thats what mattered. So what if im incredibly attracted to you. You're not the first and hopefully you won't be the last. Im used to not getting the girl. Im over it. You made me believe i was doing something for you that no-one else was doing. I felt special. Like i was someone. And now im back to no-one with the added justification of what everybody says about me being too emotional and analytical. Ive gone and fucked you up now, which i frankly care more about than myself. Everything i was doing, i was doing for both of us. If i didnt get something out of our time together i wouldnt bother. I cant write any more.
Still cant believe you took it down. I have fallen
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