Your a god and I am not...

Well I found LimeWire... Very happy chicken clucking here in my room and I found an old time favourite of mine...

I cant remember who it applied to and cant remember why I was so obsessed about this song or him when I was younger but when I heard it , it made the feeling of hurt, disappointment and self worthlessness strike back like a sharp pin into that little place under my left rib that I call my heart.

I remember feeling so insecure and lost when he walked into a room and everything around me slowed down to an abnormal pace, my heart used to literally skip a beat.

I remember the feeling when I stood in front of the mirror all made up knowing in my head I was going to tell him how I felt. The bravery and almost contentness that I felt thinking that the feeling was the same for me and I was about to fall deeply in love and be happy with this man for all eternity.

I cant remember what the lips of this person looked like when he starting talking or his eyes that looked at me like I was reciting a hilarious joke when they told me the feeling wasnt mutual while his mates laughed in the background that I was being shot down on the try line but I remember filling up with the colour red with embarressment and looking around hoping a massive tsunami would break and wash me away. The tsunami came in another form that night when tears drenched my pillows and I realised that "he was a god and I wasnt".

I am pretty sure knowing my habits that this song would have been my theme tune like something out of Bridget Jones Diaries while I told my parents I hated them, gorged on melted cheese and drank coffee and smoked cigarettes by the box and contemplated how my life would carry on ticking over now that my future was no longer with this man that was "destined" to be my soul mate.

But as with life things get better and people get stronger, change and pick up the pieces. I cant remember his name, cant remember why I adored him, even now , I have written this blog about him and he hasnt been the star of it. My emotions have . He never deserved my attention
He never deserved my affection, he never deserved my adulation. I am so glad that he never stroked my hair, kissed my lips or stared into my eyes with love.

I've got to be honest
I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's OK

There's somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say
Never again no
No never again [Chorus]'

Cause you're a god
And I am not
And I just thought
That you would know
You're a god
And I am not
And I just thoughtI'd let you go

But I've been unable
To put you down
I'm still learning things
I ought to know by now
It's under the table soI need something more to show somehow

Never again no
No never again [Chorus]

I've got to be honestI think you know
We're covered in lies and that's OK
There's somewhere beyond this I know
But I hope I can find the words to say

Never again no
No never again [Chorus]

I CAN NOT OFFER MORE THEN I ALREADY GIVE

I hope you read this and understand this - not as a mean nasty blog shitting all over you but more as a warning, a warning that if you keep pushing, testing, requesting more juice from this already squeezed dry orange... I will leave.

I dont owe any one anything. I dont need to give anymore to anyone than I already give, I give what I feel comfortable giving, I will only give what my mind, heart and soul want to and feel comfortable giving.

I know know now after your letter that I have expected too much from you and I have taken advantage of you. Now that I have realised this, I am resigning myself from you, no more I love yous, no more tucking me into bed, no more personal humour as I am leading you on.

I am letting you believe something that may not happen.

I can not give anything more... my love is bound by a piece of gold that I have temporary removed from my fourth finger til things are back on track. Yes, its falling apart, but its my right to keep my love with the man I made a vow with despite hardships and pain. I can chose to forgive, to heal, to mend and to be in the arms of the man that I have spent time trying to forget. I stood in front of god, my family and friends when I took those vows and I can chose who I chose to love.

My loyalties lie with unconditional friends of many many years who have put time, selfless effort in understanding me and many many moons forgiving me for my mistakes , loving me despite me not loving myself and saving me from myself - the person who hurts me the most.... I am sorry that you dont fit in to this category but it would be a direct insult to my friends if I let you in such a small amount of time.


and the rest of me lies with people that I have no love, consideration or time for ... the people that I tread on, walk all over, pin down and use. (You know who those people are) ... I use them as a stepping stone, to get my kicks from and as a tool to increase my power... to push me to the limit when I feel dead and numb inside. You do not fall into this category.

I am sorry but I have not found a category for you yet and I feel that you being in Limbo is hurting you so I choose to resign me friendship cause I believe you deserve better. I resign from feeling guilty, I resign from trying to figure out what goes on in your head. I am sorry that I can not be who you want me to be and I am sorry that I have made you feel the way you do.

I have removed my other blog as I feel chastised and analysed. I feel pentitant that I have done this too you and that I have left you feeling lost in any way but I cant offer more than I do. On so so so so many levels you have misinterpretted me.

I left my previous situation so I didnt have to deal with a constant pressure but I am sorry you know are clouding my vision cause I have to anatomize every action, phrase that comes from my lips. I am weak and dont handle pressure very well.

The only solution I can see. is this one... I am sorry that I have failed you but my priority is healing and I cant offer you what you have already given me.

I have taken with out giving as much and thats unfair to you.

I will leave this on here for 48 hrs so you have time to read this and understand.

Again, the last thing and most important thing that you need to understand is that i am NOT angry... I dont want things to be awkward but there is a definite rift now and things will have changed. I am sorry but I cant offer any more than I already give.